The Loch Ness monster video: ‘The best footage in decades!’ Or another log?

Nessie enthusiasts have been getting excited by a holidaying couple’s film of a mysterious ripple in the loch

Is this the Loch Ness Monster?

Is this the Loch Ness Monster? Photograph: Allstar

Is this the Loch Ness Monster? Photograph: Allstar

Name: The Loch Ness monster.

Known affectionately as: Nessie.

Age: The first account of a monster in the Loch Ness area appears in the Life of Columba by Saint Adomnán of Iona, written in the sixth century AD. That would make the monster at least 1,500 years old.

Unless the current one, assuming one exists, is a descendant of Adomnán’s. That would presumably mean there’s more than one at any given time, for reproductive purposes.

And since the sixth century AD? Things went a bit quiet on the loch until the early 1870s, when a D Mackenzie saw a log-like object “wriggling and churning up the water”. There followed sightings of “a large stubby-legged animal”, a “whale-like fish”, and a “most extraordinary form of animal” crossing the road. By the 1930s, the legend of Nessie was world famous, with accounts, sightings and photos appearing sporadically ever since.

Any evidence? Scientists remain sceptical, putting sightings down to wishful thinking, hoaxes and actual logs. One professor of ecology has suggested that the images of a “tentacled and alienesque” creature could be a whale’s penis during mating season.

So just a big dick pic, essentially. It certainly doesn’t have the same romance to it. Still, it hasn’t put off the enthusiasts, the cryptozoologists and the souvenir shops.

I’m guessing there has been a recent sighting. Yes. A new video and photos taken by a married couple from their holiday cottage overlooking the loch. They want to remain anonymous, but she said: “It was something large … It was propelling itself with something. You could see it much clearer than it’s come out in the photos. The lumps or humps or whatever they are kept disappearing under the water, but it was still pushing forward under the water.”

Certainly sounds like Nessie. How big? Between six and nine metres (20ft to 30ft) long, they reckon.

Any experts looked at it? Gary Campbell called it a credible sighting, the best footage he had seen in decades.

And he is? Keeper of the Official Loch Ness Monster Register. He has been logging sightings for 26 years.

Or sighting logs for 26 years. Stop it. He said: “In terms of video evidence, there’s been two or three really good videos in the past, but this is certainly up there with the best of them.”

Sounds amazing; I need to see this video … Oh! Is that it?! That little V-shaped wake in the water? Well, she did say it was better in real life, remember?

I’m thinking a pair of small water birds. Maybe that’s why they wanted to remain anonymous.

Do say: That’s a duck pic.

Don’t say: I preferred the dick pic.

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