MARSTONS MILLS – I was making tinsel out of Narragansett beer cans when I heard the stern coo of my stalwart messenger pigeon, Mr. Winkie. He had just flown in from parts south and I knew if he was involved, it must be serious. I slid over his bowl of Sour Patch Kids and unfurled the tiny scroll from his leg — it read:
“Hi Eric, maybe we should try to solve another Cape mystery that has baffled my wife and I for years. On Route 28 near the intersection of Route 149 in Marstons Mills, there’s a tiny handmade sign on a tree that says “Squatchy Area.” There’s an arrow on it pointing into the nearby woods. Who the (heck) made that sign? And does Sasquatch really roam the marshy woodlands of Marstons Mills? Is my kid safe?! Inquiring wannabe cryptozoologists like myself need to know the answers.”
Sasquatch! “A hairy creature like a human being reported to exist in the northwestern U.S. and western Canada and said to be a primate between 6 and 15 feet tall,” according to the Merriam Webster dictionary. Could a Bigfoot — perhaps a retiree —have taken up residence in a quiet Cape Cod village?
This demanded an immediate investigation. I told Mr. Winkie to hold down the fort and got him set up with Netflix and the latest issue of “Homing & Gardens” magazine — every pigeon’s favorite. Then I dashed to the Curious Prius and motored to Marstons Mills.
We sputtered to a rest at Mill Pond, near the wicked busy intersection of Route 149 and Route 28. This is where things got sticky, ‘cuz I had to walk up Route 28 a bit to see the Sasquatch sign. There’s no breakdown lane and the cars were flying! So I edged my may up inside the guardrail, trying not to fall down the hill into thorny oblivion.
Sure enough, there it was on a utility pole! A weathered, “Squatchy Area” sign, complete with a drawing of a classic, lumbering Bigfoot and an arrow pointing into the woods. I called out “Squatchy! Squatchy!” like I was summoning a pet for dinner, but no one showed. I looked around for Sasquatch evidence on the ground and found an empty Fireball nip and a wrapper from a foodstuff called Vovozinha, which I believe once contained sweet popcorn.
So now that we (perhaps) knew what Squatchy was snacking on, we needed to learn more about the Bigfoot’s (possible) realm. I noticed that the area in question appeared to be part of the Barnstable Land Trust, so I reached out to their executive director, the delightful Janet Milkman, and asked if she had heard of any extra-large, hairy primates stomping around out there.
“Best email ever!” she replied. “We do own that land and have not heard anything about a Sasquatch. And there is no mention in the deed. There are lots of bird watchers who walk around Mill Pond across the street but they are generally normal-sized and not hirsute, in my experience.”
I also contacted legendary Cape Cod Times photographer Ron Schloerb, who lives nearby. Having seen Ron enthusiastically scarf down newsroom pizza, I began to wonder if there was some sort of connection. I got straight to the point in an email: “Are you Sasquatch?” I asked.
Intriguingly, he replied, “I’ve been accused of being a Sasquatch, but never any proof.” I thought about this for a while and decided that Ron was too handsome and clean-shaven to be Bigfoot. Plus, there’s no way chunky Sasquatch fingers could handle a camera with the artistry of Schloerbie!
My next stop was a visit to the Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization website, billed as “the only scientific research organization exploring the bigfoot/sasquatch mystery.” There, I found a reference to a Sasquatch sighting in Mashpee in “1980 or 1981.”
Here is the report: “OBSERVED: In the Fall of 1980 or 1981 two co-workers at Neil Brown Instrument Systems in Cataumet, Mass. (now defunct) observed a tall dark hair covered bipedal creature with a black dog at the entrance to Lowdens Garden Center on Rte. 151 in the town of Mashpee, Mass. The incident occurred at 2:00 a.m.-3:00 a.m.
The garden center is now the entrance to a small housing development. Both witnesses were extremely sincere about what they had seen. They described their reaction to seeing the creature as extreme shock, and they drove off at high speed.”
I sat in the Prius at Mill Pond with more questions than answers. Did the Mashpee Sasquatch migrate to Marstons Mills? Did his black dog found a T-shirt empire? Are the two co-workers now in some kind of hairy witness protection program? And who the heck put up that crazy Squatchy sign?
And so, I must apologize to the reader who asked the Sasquatch question — I flopped on this one! As penance, I promise to grow a bushy beard, gargle Fireball and go live in the woods. If you see me, take a blurry picture!
What do you want to know about Cape Cod? To ask a Curious Cape Cod question, email me at email@example.com. I’ll do my best to figure things out!
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