The first being created by God was transexual. This revelation from The Ark Institute (TAI) is changing the way how many see the Old Testament and the Almighty. Among most Americans, the fact that Adam wasn’t always male isn’t a major issue. After all, only 47% report they are members of a church. However, hardcore evangelical homophobes want TAI to fire the team that published the faith-based peer-reviewed paper titled Adam Wasn’t Always Male.

Professor Andrew Canard heads the Biblical Cryptozoology Department at TAI. He’s dedicated his life to studying unicorns, Leviathan, and the Nephilim. Popular books of his include God Knows What’s Best for You – What Leviathan Teaches Us and Unicorns Defecate Glitter. He summarizes the basic premise of his recent paper:

Testicles are a curse. Any man who has been kicked in the groin will tell you it’s one of the worse things in the world that can happen to you. An all-loving God wouldn’t create a being with that sort of flaw. It’s safe to say when the first man first walked the Earth he had internal genitals.

So what happened? It’s obvious to anyone who’s thought about the Bible there was a change in the very fabric of existence once Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit. Not only did the snake lose its legs, but entire species of animals became carnivorous. God cursed women with suffering during childbirth. It’s reasonable to assert Adam’s balls and phallus (which previously had been retractable) dropped.

We can’t even say for sure whether or not Adam had balls and a phallus before he was cursed. What we can say for sure is that he transitioned.

Leading evangelical leaders are crying out in the wilderness concerning this blasphemous theory. A snap poll of 2,132 church elders shows 98% believe Adam “was always 100% dude.”  When answering a related question, 100% stated they were definitely not never at all aroused by the topic.

In related news, a new Alzheimer’s drug shows promise.


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